PDP

     Recently I went through a little personal block in my faith. The fear of the unknown had crept into my emotional space and  I panicked. I started thinking of things falling apart while I am on this journey to becoming a better me. For four days I felt really bad. I felt myself losing my grip on everything that I had done up to this point. I was literally walking around in a total state of chaos.
     Then on the fifth day I had, had enough. I knew that going backwards was not an option for me, because I believed in me. On that fifth day I got angry, angry at myself, and at GOD. I went through my apartment ranting and raving. I screamed at him! "What is it that you want from me? What do you want me to do? Which way do you want me to go?" I continued screaming! "I am walking along the path that you set before me and made possible for me to do so. Then why does it feel as though I am losing my grip on things? The important things, things dealing with my survival. Please give me an answer on what to do, and make it clear so that I can understand."
     Then I sat there, I sat there for at least twenty minutes, and then all of the sudden the answer came. It came in three words, perseverance, determination, and patience, three things that I had lacked all of my life. I thought how could this be? because they were some of the character traits that I thought that I had overcome. But as I kept pressing for answers, I had to admit that those three things, I was still wavering on. I was vacillating back and forth, it had become a very bad habit and I realized that. What he was telling me was to STOP IT!  stop the teeter tottering and get steady and stand firm. With out hesitation I set forth fixing the  problem. First I wrote down the truth:
      perseverance-If something became too difficult or tedious, I would back away from it. Even if it would benefit me in the long run.
      determination-It depended on what it was, again if it became too difficult or tedious then I would let it go.
       patience-If it didn't happen in the time that I thought it should happen (right now) then I would become disillusioned. I admit to them all.
       I then wrote those three words on a post it, and added them to my post it filled mirror of inspirational messages, that have become part of my daily prayer ritual. Everyday I say those words not once, not twice, but many times through out the day to make sure that I do not forget to implement them into my everyday life.
Fore they are the necessary tools, that I need to make me a better me.
       One of the many gifts that God has given us is the ability to change. To open our minds so that we can ask for help when we recognize that something is wrong. And to make the necessary changes within ourselves, so that we can continue on our paths of reinvention and fulfillment.

                                                                                                                  drea D.

a brand new self

When is it time to reinvent yourself?

     Well if you don't have inner peace, and if you are tired of starting over for the hundredth time, if you wake up most every morning feeling miserable and is still miserable when its time to go to bed, and you have a feeling of not feeling satisfied with the direction or lack of direction that your life is going in, and you analyze yourself and realize that you are still not where you want or need to be. When your happiness is fleeting and joy never comes...then it is time.

     For the last two and half years I have been reinventing myself. I am a divorced woman in my forties, and even  though the forties have been good to me, I still hadn't come full circle. Now, I have been working on myself for some time. After a bad marriage and an even worse relationship with the spawn of satin I was healing myself and doing a pretty good job of it. But there was still something that was not quite right, so I had to do what my mother would always tell me to do when I needed answers to something difficult and that was to go somewhere and get quiet and get still. 

     Well I did that, and I came to the conclusion that instead of living my dreams and pursuing my passions I was still doing what was expected of me and what I was suppose to do instead of what I wanted and needed to do for me. I realized that my only obligation is now to myself, my son is an adult I am divorced, so my time and my life is now my own. So I opened up myself and admitted to what I was feeling on the inside and one of those feelings was fear.

     Fear of what? Fear of the unknown, it had been holding me hostage and it was time to break free. Then I took a look at the people who I had surrounded myself with, well most of them had to go. Bad men, and mean and jealous women who pretended to be a friend became null and void. If you want something different you have to do different things even if that means cleaning house and getting rid of a few things and that includes people.Then I thought of my passions and dreams, I went way back to when I was a child and what brought me peace and happiness and that was writing. I had always wanted to be a writer, a successful published author. I loved to read and love writing even more. That was my passion then I thought of my dreams. For as long as I can remember I always wanted to control my own destiny, I had never wanted to work for anyone not ever, the thought of it made me sick. I always wanted to have my own and be my own boss. But you do what you have to do. 

    Then I looked at the pure dissatisfaction and contempt that I had for my job. After almost twenty years as a contract federal security officer I was more than ready to leave it behind, it had run its course with me. Don't get me wrong it paid the bills and helped me and my family to maintain. But that is all it did...maintain and I was tired of just maintaining. I had, had enough. Enough of working for someone else and making their dreams come true while I went about my life in misery. I woke up miserable, went to work miserable, was miserable the whole time I was there, came home miserable. The only time that I was not miserable was after five on Friday, all day Saturday and half a day on Sunday. Then is started all over again...damn! I knew that Icould not and would not live the second half of my life like this. So when the opportunity came I jumped ship. 

    Now I am not saying that it has been easy but I damn sure have not looked back. I figure anything worth having is going to come with some struggles and strife. But at the end it would all have been worth it. So my dream is to have some real estate. I want to have my own vacation rental property business. Why not?

    I also knew that I could not do this alone so I upped my spirituality, I had to bring God into this and he has been walking with me the whole way. He guided me to some books that proved to be more than helpful in my journey. I read It's Your Time by Joel Osteen, ME by Ricky Martin, and Peace from  Broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant. All of these great books have  helped me to realize that I am on the right path. I also enrolled in a writing fiction class and my stories got good reviews. So life is moving right along and I am now working on my first work of fiction I am about to start the fourth chapter, and I do have one rental property that a I pay a property manager to oversee.

    Well that is my story, what about you? What is your dreams and passions? Let's face it after the recent recession that we have gone through I think that we all need to worry about our own destinies. Because as long as we have human beings who are totally void of empathy for anyone who is not wealthy making decisions for our families, then it is going to happen again and again we will be thrown under the bus. Hell I am still feeling the affects of this one that they say has come to an end. We have to make changes in our lives and leave the old way of thinking behind. Let's reinvent ourselves. Now I am not saying walk away from your job like I did, that was just the path that I had to take, everyone's path is different. But start thinking about living your life on your terms and being at peace and having joy. 

     This may not be for everyone but those of you who are feeling that their is more to your life than what it is...then let's walk this journey together and see where we end up. Lets reach for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I have heard that it is pretty damn nice. So until the next time this is....

                                                                                                                               drea D.