Recently I went through a little personal block in my faith. The fear of the unknown had crept into my emotional space and I panicked. I started thinking of things falling apart while I am on this journey to becoming a better me. For four days I felt really bad. I felt myself losing my grip on everything that I had done up to this point. I was literally walking around in a total state of chaos.
Then on the fifth day I had, had enough. I knew that going backwards was not an option for me, because I believed in me. On that fifth day I got angry, angry at myself, and at GOD. I went through my apartment ranting and raving. I screamed at him! "What is it that you want from me? What do you want me to do? Which way do you want me to go?" I continued screaming! "I am walking along the path that you set before me and made possible for me to do so. Then why does it feel as though I am losing my grip on things? The important things, things dealing with my survival. Please give me an answer on what to do, and make it clear so that I can understand."
Then I sat there, I sat there for at least twenty minutes, and then all of the sudden the answer came. It came in three words, perseverance, determination, and patience, three things that I had lacked all of my life. I thought how could this be? because they were some of the character traits that I thought that I had overcome. But as I kept pressing for answers, I had to admit that those three things, I was still wavering on. I was vacillating back and forth, it had become a very bad habit and I realized that. What he was telling me was to STOP IT! stop the teeter tottering and get steady and stand firm. With out hesitation I set forth fixing the problem. First I wrote down the truth:
perseverance-If something became too difficult or tedious, I would back away from it. Even if it would benefit me in the long run.
determination-It depended on what it was, again if it became too difficult or tedious then I would let it go.
patience-If it didn't happen in the time that I thought it should happen (right now) then I would become disillusioned. I admit to them all.
I then wrote those three words on a post it, and added them to my post it filled mirror of inspirational messages, that have become part of my daily prayer ritual. Everyday I say those words not once, not twice, but many times through out the day to make sure that I do not forget to implement them into my everyday life.
Fore they are the necessary tools, that I need to make me a better me.
One of the many gifts that God has given us is the ability to change. To open our minds so that we can ask for help when we recognize that something is wrong. And to make the necessary changes within ourselves, so that we can continue on our paths of reinvention and fulfillment.
drea D.
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