HAVE A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING!

Just a short to wish everyone a happy and blessed holiday. Soon I will be on my way to the other side of Baltimore county for a always wonderful Thanksgiving celebration. All week I have been having my coworkers laughing about Crystal washing the turkey inside and out with dish detergent and we finding out as we were in the midst of throwing down on that good turkey meat, I am sure that she has already soaked the damn thing in Palmolive. Anyway I hope that everyone will be with family and friends and giving thanks for our many blessings even though sometimes they seem as if they are few. So in closing I say be blessed and stay safe. drea D.

Into Thin Air

Now you see me now you don't. Ever wish that you could just disappear from life as you have come to know it? Not necessarily for the long term but for whatever time that you need it to be. Recently I have heard about the North Point hermit a man who checked out of society and went to live in the woods for twenty seven years, he was recently found. Now in his forties the townsfolk is trying to reintroduce him to the world that he chose to leave behind. Who are they to decide that man's fate or how he should live? He made his choice.

As I read his story he has somewhat became my hero because he had the fearlessness to follow his own path and need. Recently I found myself wanting to disappear. Nothing as drastic as the hermit but just for three months whenever I feel the need. I would love to do an Eat, Pray, Love kind of thing and just do me with nobody else just me. I would eat good food, pray and revel in my own spirituality and become even more connected to the universe, and find that good love that I seek and deserve. I would also have such a clear relaxed mind that I could put that new found good energy into my book. Just to be able to wake up in the morning have my breakfast of two boiled eggs, two strips of bacon, a piece of toast lightly buttered with a thin spread of strawberry or apricot jam and a piping hot cup of joe, and then spend the next few hours writing, that would be the utmost pleasure for me. To not hear anyone else's voice or to deal with human bullshit would put me in a giddy state of mind.

A few blogs back I said that I would not write about anything that was not pleasant and uplifting but when I talk to my friends in hopes of hearing good news all I hear is darkness and a whole lot of "girl things are going to get better, they have to" and all I say is "yeah." What I really want to say is "how many times are you going to say that?" The fact is in my opinion this is just a fucked up time that we live in at this moment. So many of our lives have changed from what we once knew that some have resorted to drastic measures. Folks are so miserable and their lives are so empty that they spread their misery on anyone that comes within arms length weather it is the people that we love and who is supposed to love us or it is the people that you deal with on a day to day basis (in my case it is a child molesting ex-con supervisor who continues to make sexual jokes about little girls, we have tried to report him but he slips through, the company saved his job while he went to prison for two years). Not to mention struggling just to maintain what you have if you still have it enough I say enough.

In the meantime I want to disappear. My batteries need to be recharged and I need a new flow. When I am writing and my flow is good I have an out of body experience, I become one with my main character and I feel light and silly, strong and free. When I put down my pen or close my lap top the feeling of dread returns. It is getting to the point that I am making mistakes at work and it is only a matter of time. Yes I want and need to be delivered from that pitiful job but only when I am able to walk away on my own accord. That day needs to come soon when I can yell "Oh happy day!!!"

I want to disappear into thin air if only for a little while. To become whole again and to be the woman that I was, that I am, and who I know that I am suppose to be. Into thin air for three months, that's all I ask.

drea D    

I HATE MY JOB....REALLY!

I HATE MY JOB! Yes I do. Recently I was on you tube and ran across a number of vlogs titled I Hate My Job. They were people from all walks of life and I found it to be quiet profound and relative to myself. Everyone had their reasons, from the job itself sucked to horrible co-workers not to mention the unpleasantness of dealing with the public, oh and did I mention being paid as if you are a teenager with a summer job, ridiculous. In my past blogs I have complained about my currant job and I was trying to be grateful to have something since supposedly something is better than nothing. Well that was and is a bunch of "BHOOKEY." I can no longer fake the funk of being grateful for not being able to sufficiently support myself my shear survival is at stake. I wake up every morning to go to a job that is so driven by slave labor instead of staying home and putting my valuable time and efforts to finishing my first novel and that just pisses me off to no end.The only bright spot about the job is the people that I work with, I have formed some longlasting friendships. 

Now one might say "why not get another job?" Are you crazy in today's world finding a decent job with good benefits is a thing of the past. I am putting forth my efforts into finishing my book and making my life the way i need it to be I am going after my dream. Which is what I heard from most of the vloggers on You Tube they have finally seen the light. Last week I turned the big 5-0 and everyone who knows me was astounded that I was still in Baltimore and not out of the country celebrating my milestone. Well I had to tell the truth I could not afford it plain and simple. It gulls me that I spend so much of my time working a job to make someone else's dream come true and send them and their families on wonderful vacations and help them to have a charmed life when all of my hard labor gets me crap, what is wrong with this picture? Well I do know that this is temporary and soon it will end. But the suffering is unbearable. 

Do you know that about 70% of all Americans hate their jobs and the small amount that love their jobs are those who are truly doing what they love, you know the saying if you love what you do then it is not work well that is them. And then you have the ones who are gluttons for punishment and too afraid to admit the truth. I say set yourself free and be all that you can be, all that you want to be. As Oprah has said "we get so caught up in chasing a pay check that we forget about our dreams" she is so right we all have dreams and aspirations. I have never ever wanted to work for someone else but I did what I had to do, I had a growing family but I will tell you that I hated every single second of it. But I hung in there for twenty years and by that time I had had enough it was time to move on. So I started pursuing my dream of writing. But money ran out and I had to take the horrible piece of shit that I now have. The only good thing about it is it's motivational. I look at my co-workers and so many of them feel the same way that I do but unlike me they don't know what else to do. A few has seen the light and are putting forth efforts to control their own destinies.

So as I sit here on a Sunday afternoon watching my beloved Baltimore Ravens win over the Cleveland Browns I think about the uniforms that I have to wash for tomorrow and I say fuck it I don't feel like it I refuse to put any energy into a job that I care nothing about. I can ware one of those shirts one more day without being offensive. I am putting my time today into working on my project. It's all about me. I am so glad that I have had a chance to vent to say how I really feel. I HATE MY JOB I HATE MY JOB I HATE MY JOB oh did I say I HATE MY JOB? lol. Anyway whatever you choose to do be true to yourself and make the right choices for you and your future remember it's all about you.  Till next time drea D. 

 

Send them to Siberia...Please!

If you were born in the sixties to early seventies chances are you are the parent of the first half of the entitlement generation child, not cool. The reason being is that we parents are being held hostage by selfish, ungrateful, mean, disrespectful, lazy, stubborn, social media crazy, what's your's is mine and what's mine is mine, you owe me the world, I am not getting a job because I don't need to, living at home with no immediate plans to leave, sitting on the couch all day playing video games and so and so on adult children. I don't know of one person in my world be it mother or father that is not going through hell with these strange ugly creatures who were once our sweet little darlings. Think back to when you found out that you had done the ultimate, conceiving  a child. Filled with so many emotions from elation, disbelief, surprise, to even fear whatever to case we felt blessed. The plans we made the books we bought and the excitement of preparing for this brand new arrival was something that brought us total joy every single day for nine months. And then the day arrived and this beautiful human that resembled both you and your production partner came into this world so fresh, bloody and innocent. While lying in the hospital and having everything done for you, you take time to rest and heal from your nine month ordeal and then a few days later reality hits when they put that baby in your arms and in my case said "Andrea enjoy your new baby" my response was "Oh shit." Anyway we went upon the task of being parents feeding, changing, ear infections, potting training, engaging them, teaching them, waiting for those special moments like first steps and words. And let's not forget thinking about and researching the best schools and learning programs, instilling morals and values and everything in between from birth to adulthood we have done it. I am not even going to mention about finances it goes without saying. And now we find ourselves here moving into the second chapter of our lives and we are completely overwhelmed, hurt, disappointed, and tired, tired, tired.  Oh and did I say confused? yes confused as to who is this person and how did they get here because I know that this is nothing that I brought home from the hospital and raised. Yesterday I sat on the phone for over an hour and listened to one of my sister friends scream into my cell phone complaining about her two grown children and especially the oldest who came back home with not one but three children. She was so intense that I could't get one word in edgewise I tried to throw in my complaints but she was too powerful so I let her vent. I can relate and like her so many of us are at the point where the joy of being a parent has become an overrated experience. At this point in our lives we are suppose to be doing a little costing, thinking about the reinvention of ourselves and the fulfillment that we have worked so hard to find, we have paid some dues. We are at a time where we want to be selfish we need to be selfish and it's okay but instead we are hit with these snags called our grown children. Putting our wants and needs on hold to try to help and be there for them, trying to cushion the blow of life. What are we stupid? Enough enough, many of us are throwing in the towel and letting their shit fall where it may. I am at the point I don't care about your stuff because check this out you don't care about the hell you put me through and the financial bind you have put me in which ten times out of ten you are not going to help me get out of because you can't, so thank you , thank you so much you big asshole. I remember watching an episode of Dr. Phil a few years back and he was interviewing this couple in their sixties who were foolish enough to have children late in life. Anyway they had a set of twenty something year old twins who  basically had taken over their parents lives to the point that dad was on national television crying and the mother sat dazed and numb. They had went so far as to purchase them a home that the ungrateful little dicks refused to move into because they didn't want to pay the bills. They continued to set up a car restoration business in their parents garage and treat their home and them as if they were their property. Dr. Phil asked them "why don't you move" they said in unison "because we don't want to" Dr. Phil's response was "do you realize that you are committing a form of elder abuse?" To that they just hunched their shoulders. It's time for a revolution and the revolution shall not be televised. We have to take back our lives we have earned it. Let us do what we want and need to do for ourselves let us reinvent us into who we want to be and surround ourselves with what brings us joy and fulfillment no matter what it is. Let the grown children be damned and stand on their own and figure out their own lives. It's called being a grown up. Or we can trick them into going to Siberia (on our dime of course) and leaving them there without a way to get back. I like that one...lol. So until the next time take back your life and owned it.    

Stay blessed
drea D    

Not Just Oprah and Gail

Happy Memorial Day! Hope you are spending it the way that you choose and also give thanks to the people that fight for us and have given their precious lives so that we can have. Anyway my holiday will be quiet i have decided to rest and write. This is a good day to post this blog, something I have been meaning to do for the last week or so. As a writer I observe a lot and tend to analyze almost everything. Recently it has come to my attention that something that I have been observing for awhile now has proven me correct. What I am talking about is the negative stereotype that plagues us black women and how so many black women play into the hype either out of wanting attention or ignorance...I don't know but it seems that the world thinks that we are all alike and that is the way black women are suppose to act. The black ghetto drama queen is so stuck to us that the only women of color thought to have any substance is Oprah and Gail. Well I am here to tell you that they are not the only ones believe me. I started taking notice of this three years ago when one of my best friends Diane and I were in Jamaica. Now I have been to that fabulous country many times and have stayed at that resort everytime and have always had a pleasant experience but this time was a little different, still had a great time but we noticed that we were getting stared at sometimes even gawked at by just about everyone blacks and non-blacks alike. At one point as we were walking by a fellow vacationer who was a white lady made the remark of WOW! and stared at us in amazement at one point I had asked Di if she was aware of this and she was. This went on for the entire trip. Let me give you a few more examples: The next year Di and I were in Cancun, Mexico and the same thing happened we were sneered at by other black women, looked at as odd by the black men and everyone was in awe of us, Di was asked at one point if we were famous. One morning after breakfast we were on our way to go speedboating an older man who looked to be Cuban walked past us and said "keep up the good work ladies" again we were dumbfounded our response was "okay" and a smile. This also has happened when we were here in Baltimore white men want to approach us but don't know how (approach me please!...lol). Last summer while working I was on my way to another store. I just so happened to be driving in a bad neighborhood when out of the blue the police decide to pull me over. I was not speeding nor had I run the red light. It was two young white cops, before I could open my mouth one of them says "now you know you were trying to beat that light" "what?" was my response and as I started to defend myself he immediately became startled and started to stumble over his words after he heard me speak. Him and his partner quickly realized that they had made a mistake and made up some stupid reason for stopping me which was that their was a warrant out for the previous owner of my car and that it had nothing to do with me. How crazy was that? The previous owner was my aunt whom had been deceased for three years and she was eighty two years old when she passed, it wasn't like she was Ma Barker. More recently again I was working and had mad a delivery to an auto shop. The men there apparently had been talking about marriage and asked my opinion and I gave it. Now mind you this was a shop full of nothing but black men and they were shocked. Pleasantly I might add because clearly they were not used to a woman like me, they made the remark to me that I was beautiful, I thanked them and went on my way. Last month another sister friend of mine, Kim and I went to a gospel concert at one of my co-workers church. We missed out on the dinner and went to a restaurant afterwards, while there it happened again. We walked in gave our names for a table, it was going to be a slight wait. Kim went to the restroom and I went to take a seat in the lobby and grab a menu. There was a white family of three waiting and I took a seat across from them and put my attention to the menu...I was starving. I felt someone staring and I looked up and smiled it was the woman who was admiring my suit and she told me so, I thanked her for the compliment and we started a small talk conversation. By that time Kim and the woman's husband joined in we talked about the Baltimore Orioles and Ravens and the weather, soon their table was ready and we wished each other a good evening. Kim then turned to me and said "you know that they were admiring us?" and I responded "no, and why do you say that?" "because when we walked in they looked at us and said WOW." It was at that moment that I started to analyze a little deeper. I already had my own thoughts but wasn't quite sure because I just thought of myself, my friends as regular women and that people are people and they are who they are. The next week I went to a birthday dinner party and took Di with me and low and behold every black female there had own someone else's hair and eyes different from there own. Di and I were the only original beings there. There were diva's in every corner and their mentality was far different from Di's and myself but we had a good time non the less as I said they are who they are. On the way home I shared with Di my thoughts and reminded her of our trips, she agreed. Now I am not trying to judge just making observation and stating the fact that society tend to think of black woman as one and the same and it is far from the truth. It actually makes it bad for those of us who are of a different mentality. But I must admit I feel that I am in the minority because so many  black women are the stereotype I see it everyday. In real life and the television shows that cater to the black public shows like Love and Hip Hop, Atlanta Housewives, and on and on. I asked one young lady how can you watch something so irritating and ignorant, doesn't it get on your nerves? Oh Miss Andrea it's just entertainment was the response. I get that but if you find that entertainment what is going on in your mind? Now I love my televisions shows I am a Scandal fanatic a gladiator to the core Kerry Washington is beautiful and delightful and Tony Goldwyn leaves me breathless and a bit moist who says that white men don't have swag? OMG. And yes it is full of scandal but it is something that opens up for discussion and brain teasers not to mention that you can understand what the character's are talking about and you don't here women being called bitches and hoe's in every other word. But mention that show, Grey's Anatomy, Modern Family, New Girl, Mike and Molly and they look at as if you have two heads. That reminds me of another example that happened last weekend. Kim and I went to the mall and stopped to have an early dinner at Friday's we were not dressed up just tee shirts jeans and sweat suits and of course our own hair. There as we were being escorted to our table was a family which included two young black women with someone else's hair well if looks could kill we would have been dead not to mention the look that one shot us over her shoulder when we were talking I guess she didn't recognize English. And the look that two older women gave us as we were leaving was priceless. Also I can't tell you how many times I have had to explain that the book that I am writing is not urban lit. I do not read it so therefore I am not going to write it is not my thing. As a matter of fact I have tried to read it at one point when someone suggested a good read but I could not do it, it gave me a headache. Anyway let me end here I just wanted to get this off of my chest and to say that please do not put us all in one apple crate take us as the individual's that we are.

Until next time drea D.

Guilty by Whom you Know

I have said that I would not post blogs that were not uplifting and positive but in reality life is not always uplifting and positive. Three days ago my world was turned upside down and my peace broken. In the early morning hours of May 2nd before the light of morning had made its appearance the Baltimore County police broke into my home and burst through my bedroom door with me standing naked and just able to put my robe barely around me. They came looking for my son whom was not at home. They handcuffed me and made me sit in the living room in the middle of the sofa while they tore my apartment apart  only to come up with nothing but two cell phones (one mine, one my son's) a bag of white talc powder that I had given my son sometime ago because i could not use it it irritated me and two other household items that we all have. My son whom was coming home when he saw the commotion drove to an area near the apartment where he could survey the scene left his car there and walked home. He came in calm and they promptly arrested him my heart broke. He looked at me sitting there handcuffed and the look on his face I just can't put into words but he was hurt and so was I. I asked him where were they taking him and they told me right down the street.We live on the same block as the police department. After going through safes, closets, luggage, in between and underneath beds, searching containers of coffee, flour, and sugar they were gone. I sat numb unable to move for what seemed like hours and then I jumped up and paced every room over and over again trying to figure out what to do first I have never been through anything like this in my entire life. I set about finding contacts my brother, my son's friends, thinking about how I was going to get bail money and who from. I jumped in my car without even putting a speck of water on my body and did what any mother in this situation would do, getting my son home. I lived on cigarettes even though I am in the process of quitting they were the only things that could calm my nerves so that I could think. I had no appetite for food just nicotine. After alerting my son's two best friends, we worked together to do what needed to be done. After spending most of the day not hearing anything and by the time I had located my brother whom wasted know time getting to the apartment my son called. His only concern was how was I, he told me that he was fine and that it had nothing to do with him and not to get bail money which had been set at $50,000 that he would be getting out on his own merits after the next day's bail review. He told me to stop freaking out and talk to my brother and everything was going to be all right. After my brother made sure my patio doors, windows, and my front door was properly secured so that I could get some much needed rest he left with the knowledge that he would be picking my son up from the detention center. I went into my room and laid on top of an unmade bed with just my pillow and blanket, I was able to sleep. I got up the next morning still feeling uneasy but slightly better because I had heard from my son and I believed in what he told me only because I know that he is an upstanding guy I was able to go to work and complete my day. After I came home my son was here with my brother and my year old niece. I had never been so glad to see him and all of that child gets on parents nerves went out the window, my son was home and he was okay. Now I don't know what the future holds in this matter but what I do know is that this happened for a reason and I feel certain the reason is going to lead to all things good. I am continuing working on my first novel and he is back working on his music but maybe this was something to draw us closer as mother and son but whatever the reason I know that I never want my family to go through anything like this ever again, hell I still haven't found my tv remote...lol.
Till next ...drea D

100%

"Well they said they wanted equal rights." That is what some old fart said to me, while I struggled to bring in two heavy  truck rotors that I was delivering to his shop. He made that statement because I was seeking some help and I was a woman delivering heavy auto parts that he didn't want to help me with. He reminded me of a backwoods jack ass from the movie Deliverance. I responded to him that I did not make that decision that it was made for me. I went back to my car and after calling him every foul name that I could think of I smiled to myself and became more at peace with something that I had been feeling for a quite awhile...and that is I am ready to be taken care of 100%.

I have always said that when I started this crappy survival job that it took up too much of my time. Time that I could be devoting to working on my dream and my destiny, I would love nothing more than to stay at home and write. When I was able to do it all was right with the world. I would get up in the morning as if getting ready for work I would make my coffee and my breakfast and still in my pajamas go to the dining room table  and start working on my book or I would go to my corner spot on the sofa with my notebook and write out my next chapter. I was in heaven. But I took it for granted and the Universe had to bring me back down to earth. I can say that I have learned my lesson, I have humbled  myself.

Now back to this 100% I started talking to several of my sista friends about my want and need and to my surprise they all gave a resounding "girl you have never lied, me too." We all agreed that at this point in our lives we have paid some dues. We have slayed the beast brought it home prepared it fed it to family, raised our children (whom all became ungrateful adults...they are the entitlement generation) been partners to our men, have gone through bad relationships and some of us have gone through a divorce or two bottom line we are ready to exhale. No I don't mean going back to the Ward and June Cleaver days "Oh! Ward I have kept your house, cooked your food, washed your clothes, and been the perfect mother to Wally and the Beav and now I am asking what do I do now since I don't have a brain of my own or should I say not allowed to use it." What I mean is someone who is supportive and understanding and who has your back 100%. That person who wants you to reach your dreams and goals I guess the best way I can say it is, there was a part in a Tyler Perry movie called Diary of a Mad Black Woman and in it Shemar Moore's character told Kimberly Elise's character "all you have to do is wake up in the morning and I'll take care of the rest." That is it for me, that is what I need. I am done with emasculating men I don't have anything to prove I know what I can do on my own and I know who I am. I may have said this in one of my past blogs and i will say it again I am ready to be vulnerable and let a man feel like a man. I think that I am just admitting what a lot of women don't want to admit even though they think about it on a regular basis. I admit it, embrace it, and cherish the thought.  Till next time

drea D.